#39: Can't stop won't stop must stop

Going full grandma in a couple different ways

March 07, 2023

Actual updates

It’s real senior citizen hours in here.

Okay, we’re all living in rapidly decaying bodies, some more rapid than others, and “ooh I’m so old!” only really has currency for me at work, where I am constantly reminded that people who were born when I was in high school are fully-fledged real adults with jobs and bills and fiancées and what have you. But in general, my own rapidly-decaying body has at least been decaying quietly and without too much fanfare, which is fine and matches how I feel about myself: could be better, but mostly fine in a day-to-day sense.

This all changed a couple of weeks ago. I’ve never had a bad back per se, which is really shocking considering the state of my posture when sitting1, and also, let’s be honest, considering what I’ve been lugging around in front. You know, mammarily speaking. I’ve got a big rack, is what I’m saying. Anyway. Every now and then I’d feel a bad twinge, but it would pass in seconds and I’d just chalk it up to all of the above factors and move on. But this time was different.

I was getting Hap’s clothes out of the dresser, and I had bent down to get something in the bottom drawer, and I was stricken. I couldn’t straighten up, I could barely move at all, and the pain was so bad I was gasping and hoarse with it. It took a little while, but it eased enough that I could walk, slowly, carefully, and bent double - so I could finish helping Hap with something in the bathroom. It’s a good thing he can get dressed on his own, because I was not much help today. Going down the stairs was a dodgy proposition, but I managed it, and then I was faced with an even tougher conundrum: what was I supposed to do?

I don’t mean about my back. I took an ibuprofen, and later, used an Icy Hot patch (which stayed icy and never got hot, to my extreme dismay), and those both helped, but I wasn’t able to really do anything that day, and I was still kind of on injured reserve the next day as well. I found myself sitting around a lot while Matt and Hap did things, feeling extremely useless, and that’s dangerous: if I have no utility, I have no value.

I’m sure I could tease out the origin of this feeling, but if I had to give it a quick guess it’s because when I was growing up, there were fairly limited ways to have value, and the most important one - scarcity - was out of reach for me. I have never been a scarce resource. There has always been too much of me, except for a brief period where there was just the right amount, and I was maddeningly sick for months. When I was young, I could be valuable by being smart, or funny, depending on what the situation called for; as I’ve gotten older, it’s become clear that plenty of people are one or the other or both, and usually more so than me, so I pivoted to being useful.

Being useful has always been something I’ve known I should chase - there’s no better way to keep yourself in someone’s heart than to be useful to them, and no quicker way out of it than becoming useless. So I say yes too much and I volunteer for everything, and sometimes I mess up by doing this, but it works most of the time. But one big backfire is that when I am required by my body and/or medical science to sit down and do nothing more taxing than typing on a computer, I start losing my mind. I’m “making” other people do work that I should be doing. Instead of making their lives easier, I’m making them harder. That’s worse than being useless! It’s being actively harmful!

Now, obviously, this messaging was coming entirely from inside my own head. No one was saying anything of the sort to me. In fact, I probably made myself even more annoying by bringing it up. But sitting still and doing nothing felt like not just abdicating all my responsibilities, but also making myself a burden, and I have a horror and a dread of becoming a burden. Why don’t you take more days off, Camille? Exactly.

My back got better after a couple more days. But it didn’t get all the way better right away. I’d be able to go about my day as normal, without pain, but in the evenings it would start feeling tired after a day of existing. The same spot, but a distinctly tired pain, not an acute one. Like I’ve been using that muscle day after day, but not a pleasant soreness like I used it doing something fun or worthwhile. And I suppose I have been using the muscle, but I use it all the time, and it didn’t wear out on me at 8pm before2. So. Like I said. Old folks time.

In what might seem like less-ridiculous news3, Hap has recently gotten into a Miyazaki phase, specifically Ponyo, and to a slightly lesser degree, My Neighbor Totoro and Kiki’s Delivery Service. But Ponyo was first, and if you’re not familiar, it’s about a goldfish who turns into a human girl because she loves a human boy. Well, this obsession coincided with the February school vacation week, and we made a deal with him that if he made it all the way through the week without having a particular problem we’ve been working on, he could get a goldfish of his own.

He did it! Good for him! And then it was time to go to Petco and load up a cart with a bunch of fish supplies. That adds up! But we promised! So we grabbed all the necessities and then got the attention of the employee in charge of fish to ask for a couple of the goldfish. But he informed us that we couldn’t buy the tank and the fish on the same day: putting a fish into a tank without first conditioning the water for a couple days would not spell success for the fish. So we were expecting to come back in a couple days once the tank situation was set up, and get the fish.

We had planned to put the tank on top of a cabinet that we have, and we moved some stuff around so that we could move the cabinet to a better location (i.e., not next to the radiator), and we cut a counter mat to the right size and put the tank on top and it all fit perfectly and then Matt thought of something we hadn’t considered: the weight.

The weight, of course! Even a small fishtank, which this is, weighs over 100 lbs when full of water. We realized we had no idea if this little cd cabinet could hold that - especially since, when it’s open, nothing’s supporting the front of the top. So we moved things back and went into furniture-shopping mode. A goldfish, by the way, costs under $5. We purchased a whole piece of furniture. It hasn’t arrived yet, so once it does, we will set up the tank, fill it with water, condition the water for a couple days, and then go get some fish. A little reward4 turned into a two-week ordeal that cost a couple hundred dollars. I hope this is the best and most meaningful fish in the world.

What Am I Reading

I’ve just started You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty, by Akwaeke Emezi, which means I’m halfway through it. It’s a fast read and a sexy one; it literally kicks off with a bang, but after that it settles into a hot simmer as the main character, Feyi, has an almost-relationship, an inappropriate crush, and some steamy memories - but we, and she, keep everything at arm’s length for at least a fair chunk of the book.

It’s a bit different than I expected going in. I picked it up based on some glowing reviews that didn’t tell me what it was about (love and death, I figured, which is not super far off), and also this image:

So, you know, obviously this book was going to sing out to me. But - as yet - it’s kind of hitting two out of three here. It’s horny! It’s chaotic in a specific way! There are bisexuals in it, but there’s one line where one of them says to the other, “This is the most bisexual conversation I’ve had in a long time,” and other than the fact that it was two folks on the team talking about being on the team, I wouldn’t say it was a particularly bi conversation. I can’t really explain why that is - it’s not just a question of talking about having the hots for this person and that; that’s table stakes. If you’re trying to have something that qualifies as A Very Bi Conversation, I expect it to be a little more… unhinged, I guess? Maybe hit a couple stereotypes?5 I'm mostly kidding about the stereotypes, but that wouldn't even have qualified as the bi-est conversation I had had this week. Also, I'm complaining, but it was really just about that one line - in general I'm really enjoying this book and there need to be more chaos bis running around books not being able to make up their mind and being in love with 80% of the people they know. Representation matters, etc.

Outside of this very specific gripe, this is a book about grief. It’s about processing it, moving through it, living with it, and trying to allow love in while still very much in the throes of it. That it happens to be a book about grief wherein people have, or almost have, sexy encounters is icing on the cake, but the sexy encounters will probably make some people categorize it as a romance. It’s not unromantic! It hits many beats a romance could also hit! But I think it’s a grief story with romance in it, and if that helps a larger audience get interested, then tell everyone you know.

Some links

Speaking of romance, this is a great read from the fantastic Nichole Perkins, on writing one and all the insecurities that come with that. It’s also pretty much dead-on about writing a non-romance, in case you’re wondering. Once I Publish This Romance Novel, Please Don’t (Slow) Burn Me at the Stake

It doesn’t matter if the art is good or not6, accidentally smashing it is a horror. Visitor Accidentally Shatters $42,000 Jeff Koons Sculpture at Art Fair

Continuing the theme of people rescuing animals who are at risk because of human intervention in their habitat. Volunteers Save Thousands of Newts from Becoming Roadkill

Not heists, but still art theft, really - plus, you get to find a rich man extremely detestable in this one, and that’s one of my primary hobbies7. Crime of the Centuries

As someone who has yelled at more than a few of this man’s crosswords, this was not just a really delightful read but also illuminating! Will Shortz’s Life in Crosswords

This is so important! Why does nobody hang out anymore! Bring back hangs!8 The Case for Hanging Out

This will soon join the pantheon of Canadian historical memes about various times we took on the US and won. So far we’ve got some hockey victories and burning down the White House in the War of 1812… and now, this. “Incredibly Intelligent, Highly Elusive”: US Faces New Threat from Canadian “Super Pig”

More in Barnyard Terror! Also, the fact that they’ve put “aggressive” in quotes is kind of comically bitchy, isn’t it? The guy died! The chicken seems like it was aggressive enough to count! Man Dies After Being Attacked by “Aggressive” Chicken

I was always a little embarrassed to own a Live cd even when I was in high school, but you can’t argue that their songs weren’t a staple of the slow-dance rotation; I haven’t thought about them in years, but it looks like they’ve been, uh, busy. How an Alleged Con Man Tore Apart One of the Nineties’ Biggest Bands

This is rather lovely; it’s observations on a few things, but it’s mainly about Lawrence of Arabia, which makes me want to rewatch it with my current lens9. I did go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole about T.E. Lawrence, the movie, and Peter O'Toole the day I read this piece, and to me, that's a sign of a good read. Room Spray

As someone who is hoping to pause the ol’ meno sooner rather than later (I’m sick of this shit! Come on!), this is a sobering read. I also didn’t realize that this was going on, basically: the reporting on the study that turned everyone around on hormone therapy took place too early for my peers to be the ones influenced, and too late for my peers’ moms, I think. Although maybe it was just different in Canada. I’ve actually thought about whether I’d want it or not - that’s truly an example of gender-affirming care for cisgender people, right, and like… do I want to lean into it that much? But maybe it would help me not feel like crap, and I do enjoy not feeling like crap. We’ll see. Women Have Been Misled About Menopause

I love drama that has nothing to do with me! I also love dumplings! This article is, therefore, tailor-made for me. The Great L.A. Dumpling Drama

This drama also doesn’t involve me, but it could have: the bit precipitating event in this story occurs in the Jamaica Plain Buy Nothing group; that’s the next neighborhood over, for my non-Boston-local friends, and I remember hearing a bit about it when it was happening. I’ve never buy-nothinged, outside of observing Buy Nothing Day, but that’s most days if we’re being honest. The Battle for the Soul of Buy Nothing

This is bananas both in terms of its content, and even more so in terms of the “he just tweeted it out” of it all. This guy just published on his Substack some information that the government is trying to keep super-secret. Apparently it has contributed to worsening relations with Russia. A guy! With a newsletter! And some sources! How America Took Out the Nord Stream Pipeline

Something interesting I realized reading this article is that I haven’t experienced much impostor syndrome. I’ve felt like I didn’t deserve various things, but not because I’m not smart enough - just because other people deserve them instead. Being smart (or “being smart”) was pretty much my whole personality for awhile, so you could diminish me in a lot of ways but not that one. I knew I was smart enough for my various jobs, and I’ve been at most of them long enough to know how to do them well, too. But it’s interesting to read this and learn about how this feeling was first described, and how - or whether - various people experience it. Why Everyone Feels Like They’re Faking It

Some tunes

The time is going to come, and soon, when I’m going to have to stop coasting on the radio hits of my youth being novel and unheard-of by my peers here. But it hasn’t come yet! Tell me more about people hanging off the arm of East Van punks, Dan Bejar!

Speaking of novels. I had a slightly crazed moment where I thought I should put this on the book playlist, for the laughs, but I suspect that just about everyone writing a book since the day this album came out has made the same joke.

Okay. This is a good song on its own - every time I listen to it I’m murmuring it for days, and furthermore having a list of things followed by the line “just a few things most vampires don’t like” is so good, BUT I also get the sentiment of having been distracted enough by someone special to the point of becoming bad at one’s job. I’m not proud.

This month’s top 5: Hot in Space!

Apologies to everyone I talked to last week, because you have for sure heard this already, but everyone else: at the work onsite last week, I was talking to a friend about how the best part about the future is how great-looking everyone is going to be, at least going by every show or movie set in space, and we decided that we should start a podcast (we are not starting a podcast. The world has enough podcasts) about this phenomenon. Our imaginary podcast will be called Hot in Space, and every guest will be asked the crucial question: Who’s hot in space?

Here, in no particular order, are some ideas.

  1. Okay, so many people agree that Pedro Pascal is hot, and many people also agree that he is on The Mandalorian, and somehow even though he never takes the helmet off, he still manages to be hot? (in space)

  2. Lieutenant Ortegas (Star Trek: Strange New Worlds)… I’d get real awkward around her

  3. Keeping it Star Trek for a moment, it’s a bummer that Discovery isn’t coming back until 2024, but at least season 2 still exists and Ash Tyler and his Beard of Yearning are on it.

  4. Let’s be honest, if you like Hot and Mean in Space, you need look no further than Battlestar Galactica (2004) because Starbuck could push me out an airlock. At least when she was in her full-of-herself, cigar-smoking, “You may refer to me as god” era and not her later “miserable in an ugly apartment” era.

  5. Amos from The Expanse. jfc.

This is merely a sampling and only goes back to (please kill me) the turn of the century. People have been being hot in space since space was invented, though, so please don’t feel limited temporally. But please do tell me who you think is hot in space! The comments are at your disposal!

Okay. I’m being scrupulously correct about writing about things that happened in the past month and not the current one, so even though it’s taken me a few extra days to get this out, I’m saving what happened in those few extra days for next time. Suffice it to say that things both have and have not gone well.

I hope that for you, things go well, only well, and I hope that answering my personal question is the hardest thing anyone’s asked you to do this week (and that you do it).

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