#40: The Where-to-Cry Revue

Actual updates

You ever get what you want, and it ruins your life?

Okay, that was un peu dramatic, I do not live in an O. Henry story1, but I did have a couple instances this past month where something I had been hoping for transpired, and I wound up terribly unhappy as a result. Should I, in general, get what I want? Signs point to no!

Even worse, they both kind of wrecked something for me that I used to enjoy, with the ruin taking varying levels of permanence. For instance, back in the day when Matt used to get home later than I did, I would do the dishes before he got home, and I had a shortlist of “dish washing songs” that I would sing while I washed (this one, this one which I slow down a bit, this one, and this one which isn’t online anywhere so the link is to me singing it, my apologies). These days, I don’t sing when I wash dishes anymore, because I’m not alone when I do it, and I don’t want to be competing with whatever Matt’s watching or listening to, or be annoying - but when he’s out for the evening, then it’s my time to shine. He had band practice the other night, and you’d think that meant it was time for a virtuoso performance at the sink, right? Wrong. I had recently gotten something I had wanted for a long time, and I was miserable. I cried the whole time instead and wasted a rare chance to do something I used to enjoy.

You can actually do a lot of things while crying. It’s barely even hard.

It’s funny, but the other thing that bummed me out this past month that should have made me happy was singing-related: I had a long run of missing out on karaoke opportunities over the past year, for all sorts of reasons. I’d leave an event and find out karaoke broke out later, or I wouldn’t be able to go at all, or this, that, or the other - and finally there was an opportunity before me that I was free to take. We had a work event at a local barcade that held karaoke on that night of the week, and I had clearance to stay out late enough to participate, and I was ready. I was so excited. I put in a couple of songs and waited for my turns to come up.

I was also signed up to sing a song I truly didn’t know, with a friend, which was destined to be a disaster from the start - but I figured it would be after I had had a chance or two to sing songs that I knew and could do a decent job of, and we’d have reached the firmly “just messing around” portion of the evening, because we submitted that song well after the earlier songs had been handed in. I was nervous about that song, but I decided to be a cool friend and not a fun vulture or someone who takes karaoke too seriously2, and agreed.

But the guy running it wasn’t going in order. That’s his right as a KJ, he was probably trying to maintain the flow and keep the party going, but it meant that the first and only thing I got called up for was this song I didn’t know. I muddled my way through it, panickedly looking at the words the whole time, no rhythm, no tune outside of the chorus, and basically made an absolute ass of myself. So of course he wasn’t trying to get more of that, and never called me up again. And this was in front of a lot of people whom I hadn’t had the chance to do karaoke with before, so to the best of their knowledge, I’m the person they saw up there. And I’m not! I’m an okay singer but more to the point, I can put on an okay show! Give me a song I know and I can perform it. But I have to know it. I have to practice it, at least a couple times in my head, and know what I’m doing. I remember a ski trip, back when those used to happen, where I knew there would be karaoke in the evening, and I took advantage of my many solo lift rides3 to learn a song. I have also used this method to learn a song for my band! Ski lifts! They’re a great place to sing!4

Sorry! I digress (constantly). Back to it. So, I had a bad time, because I not only did a bad job, but I also had no opportunity to redeem myself from the bad job. And I did it in front of a lot of people who formed their opinion about my abilities for the first time. So I left and had myself a little sniffle on the walk back to the office, where I quickly got my face in order since people were there, and then went home in a Lyft.

Lyfts are also a great place to cry, if you’re wondering. Especially at night, especially when you’ve got a mask on. Of course, you have to be skilled at doing it silently, but I know we’ve all got lots of talents here.

The thing is, even though I was thinking up new songs to sign up for even as I walked out of the place, it makes me think that the next time I have the chance, I won’t. Once bitten, twice shy, I guess, but it’s just going to remind me of a failure, and I’ll get stuck into my own head and all. Besides, now I’m embarrassed. Maybe I just have to hang it up when I’m with the same audience; I suppose I haven’t made a fool out of myself5 with other groups of friends.

Speaking of ways in which I can make a fool out of myself, I’ve just started a few balls rolling that are necessary before we could move. One is getting my driver’s license, something I never got around to doing (I’ve always lived in cities! Public transit is real! Walking is real! I had a bike for a minute before it got a bunch of construction materials piled on top of it in the basement of an old apartment!), but if we’re going to drive across this country, and we are, it wouldn’t be fair for me not to contribute. So I’ve made an appointment6 to get the second learner’s permit of my life, 25 years after the first one, and I guess I’ll go from there. I hope I'm a good driver; I'd be desperately embarrassed to be a bad one.

What am I reading

I’m nearly done Crying in H-Mart, which I’m sure most of you have already read. The blurb on the back seems like it only read the cover, since it says that the whole story is punctuated by trips to H-Mart throughout, and that’s not really true - the story is punctuated by food throughout. Food as a vehicle for love and caring, food as a job, food as a way to shut someone out or let someone in. I know the book is supposed to make you dissolve into rivers of tears, but it made me hungry more often than not.

For the two or three of you who haven’t read it yet, it is Michelle Zauner’s account of her youth at odds with her mother, who is a first-generation Korean immigrant, and then her mother’s illness and death. And it is heartbreaking, of course! It’s about losing a parent! It’s about trying to understand her connection to a culture that had been embodied in her mother, without her! But there was one part in particular that made me well up.

This was a scene, relatively early on in the book, where she describes ways her mother caused herself discomfort or pain so that Michelle wouldn’t have to feel it. I don’t know if it’s a “now I have a kid of my own” thing, but I fell apart. That’s it exactly. You would take on any pain for them. I’ve always been a good pain sink for other people, but I have to hold myself back sometimes from trying to dive in front of every impending accident - I don’t want to raise a Bubble Boy - and it stabs into me every time.

It is possible that I’m identifying with the wrong person in the book. I haven’t lost a parent, although they’re not getting any younger, and I keep realizing with a jolt that this is impending, maybe not sooner than later, but within not so very many years. I’ve lost all of my grandparents, and I was very close with one of them7, so some of the descriptions of grief ring true for me in terms of how I felt when her loss was new and raw. But I’m sure it’s an entirely different book for someone who has mourned a parent.

I’m sure you’ve read it - what did you think?

Some links

Well, this is kind of a concern! At least to me, a person who can manage to be lonely even when surrounded by people whose company I enjoy! How Loneliness Reshapes the Brain

I haven’t watched Clue in altogether too long! “I - am - your singing telegram” BANG! If you want to watch it together and we’re in the same geographical area, let’s talk! Red Herrings, Skateboards, and Carrie Fisher: An Oral History of Mystery Classic Clue

I like whiskey, but this sounds disgusting. There’s got to be a way to produce the whiskey properly and not cover the entire surrounding area in fungus, come on. Whiskey Fungus Fed by Jack Daniels Encrusts a Tennessee Town

Monopoly started out as an anti-capitalist lesson game, made by a woman, who wound up losing the game (not like that) to a man who turned it around to become a game you won by being the best at capitalism! Typical!! How Monopoly Became America’s Cruellest Board Game

I mean, it’s not not cocaine. The Weird (and Wired) Truth Behind What’s Really in Coca-Cola

This is simultaneously very interesting and really quite weird. On a pure facts level, it’s fascinating - I learned so much about these semiconductor fabs, which I knew next to nothing about before - but the framing of it is suffused with religion, which is somewhat surprising. I don’t know. Give it a read and see what you think. I Saw the Face of God in a Semiconductor Factory

Ah ha haaaa! A rich weenie got scammed! But wait: it wasn’t just any scam, it was a Tinder scam, and it got really intense. This article is aptly titled as it is, indeed, a ride. Taken for a Ride

This makes a good point that while yes, this one man had two breakthroughs that wound up being incredibly damaging to the environment and human health, they were not created equal: one was something that they knew was dangerous at the time, and one wasn’t, because that science was simply not known yet. What’s that invention for us today? It’s impossible to know. The Brilliant Inventor Who Made Two of History’s Biggest Mistakes

I hate the word “glitch8,” in this usage anyway, but this is actually quite beautiful. I know what it’s like to only have memories that count when they’re recorded; there's a lacuna in my own history between being a kid and having family photos, and being an adult with a smartphone (and everyone else having one too). In between, photos were sporadic, and I only have them if I physically have them; I was also nearly never the subject of the photo. Important occasions only. And trying to describe that time is tougher in a day-to-day sense. I think you should read this. “Our Universe Was Lost for Ever”: What Happens When a Tech Glitch Erases Your Memories?

This is so evocative and moving. Think about telling the story of your life in terms of the places you lived. Think about how it would sound and what it would dredge up. This is wonderfully done. My Decade of Temporary Homes

The title does this no justice. It’s minimally about loving your body by swimming naked; it’s moreso another queer-beach story9. I will reiterate that the ocean? Is gay. I won’t be taking arguments at this time. Want to Love Your Body? Try Swimming Naked

The blurb that introduced this article where I read it first10 said it was about a throuple of sorts, but that's not really accurate; it is, however, about the relationships between three philosophers. It makes me think that philosophers shouldn't marry each other: they'll start acting like they're the first people to fall in love and write scholarly papers about it. Marry someone who does something different than you! Get a broader view! Agnes Callard’s Marriage of the Minds

The three words familiar to anyone who grew up on the internet, until relatively recently (I guess Kids These Days can all see each other since all the primary social media are much more visual, so there’s no more need to ask, or, for that matter, to make up a lie). If you are my contemporary, you’ll find a lot to recognize in this one. Age, Sex, Location

If you didn’t already think deforestation was enough of a problem just for “cutting down the forest Is Bad” reasons, here’s another great reason to be very leery of it: forest edges, where humans interact with animals, are breeding grounds for new and exciting diseases since they give people more opportunity to interact with animals that are carrying the diseases. COOL. On the Edge

Thinking about multiple realities is cool, but this article contains this sort of insane quote: “In my 30s, I knew I had to save myself from the enticements of alternate realities.” Like. DID YOU??? This was not a problem I encountered in my 30s! I feel like I can say with some level of certainty that it is not a standard issue problem of one’s 4th decade!11 I Fantasized About Multiple Realities, and It Nearly Ruined My Life

Tunes I’ve been listening to lately

Okay, so every time I listen to this album, I get this song in my head for a bit, and I enjoy the way the lyrics are assembled and connected, but then I went to Spotify to add it to the year’s playlist12 and saw that it had something like 33 million listens. And that embarrassed me a little bit! I know it's not actually sensible to be embarrassed by liking something that too many other people like, and it doesn't constitute a slur on my character to be unoriginal that way, but I can't shake it. So now it's time to exercise Substack's poll feature:

When I said I was thinking up additional karaoke songs as I left the disastrous party, this was one of them. I honestly think I could.

Speaking of “oh no it’s really popular,” remember when I got turned onto this artist/band and then discovered that they had gone like, triple French platinum or something? Anyway. I bought an album awhile back, and it came with a concert video, and that had been working its way through our pile of stuff to watch, which is about a year and a half old at this point. It finally made its way to the top a week or so ago, and this was one of the songs they performed (at a concert full of polo-shirted middle-aged men, not the audience I expected), and for whatever reason, this was the one that lodged in my head.

This month’s top 5: Things I’m way overdue to do

1. Well, the driver’s license, obviously (like 25 years overdue)

2. Calling our friend’s brother-in-law who rebuilt our back porch 10 years ago to rebuild our front porch now (and some other stuff).

3. I’ve got a tattoo gift certificate - a paper one, it’s that old - that I have to use before we leave, and a tattoo I’ve been wanting to get. I wrote “make the tattoo appointment so there’s something to talk about” in my notes for this issue but have I done it yet???13

4. I’m sure there’s someone I should have replied to and didn’t, sorry if this is you

5. I’ve got to get Hap into the next round of swimming lessons, which I’m fully guessing about because when his last round ended, the teacher didn’t tell us whether he “graduated” from that level or not, and the 3 people I emailed at the YMCA either didn’t reply or passed me to someone else. So I’m hoping he’s got what it takes for the next level - it sounds like he does, except he still needs help with one of the components. Hopefully that will be all right and the teacher can drag him up to where he needs to be, or they’ll let me know and move him back to the previous level. Fingers crossed!!

From the sounds of this issue, I’m miserable and stressed and falling apart, so I just want to reassure you that while this is true, I’m used to it and will get by! I want to be honest when I’m feeling awful, but I’m not doing it as some kind of bid for sympathy or cry for help. I’m just having a time, that’s all, and everyone has a time sometimes.

One thing that helps me sometimes when I’m going through it is finding a way to help someone who’s going through it worse than me, and boy are there a lot of people worse off than me right now! Here’s a handy list of orgs fighting for trans rights and against drag bans in every state, for instance: https://www.them.us/story/orgs-fighting-back-anti-trans-legislation - I’m going to go throw some money at some people who can actually help someone, and I invite you to join me if you can.