#50: Oh, Beehiiv

Actual updates

Big news! This newsletter is coming to you live from Beehiiv! I’ve slipped the bonds of Substack and am now on a platform that, at least, doesn’t actively encourage and monetize Nazis and TERFs!

My old issues (I mean, newsletter issues, but… let’s be honest, all the mental and emotional ones too) are all here as well, and every subscriber, except for one who used her work email and then quit that job, got migrated - allegedly - so all of you should be receiving this in your email the normal way. If you had to get here another way, and you’re subscribed, let me know! If you’re not subscribed and you want to be, well, guess what:

Upsides: the obvious. Downsides: some of the editing is a little annoying, especially with regard to links, the default color scheme is heavy to that sort of baby-poop yellow color (don’t worry, I changed it!), and, most devastating of all, no footnotes. How am I going to be annoying properly without them? Get ready for a lot of parentheticals, I guess! Also, the name is … just… I’m sorry, a double i does not a long-i sound make. But whatever! Who cares! It’s functional, its analytics look promising (start clicking links and stuff so I can test that! I’ve got a ton for you this month, so there’s sure to be something you’ll like!), there are more customization options that I plan to take advantage of in future months - I didn’t want it to look too different for the first issue over here - and again, they do not take a pro-hate-speech stance. A low bar! But one that Substack managed to tunnel under! So I’m a happy little Beehiiv customer.

Something else that is a big and positive change is that my dishwasher is finally fixed! It’s only been three months! I’ve called the place numerous times, and the part was always on order and not in yet, and then the one time Matt phones, they have it in stock and schedule a time for the repair, and it’s done within 3 days! Frustrating! But at least it’s done and I’m not handwashing (and hand-drying, since our dishrack is not built to hold a full load of dishes) everything anymore. I’m sure you’re thrilled to hear it.

Also, our siding project is done as of today, outside of putting our house number back up and fixing one windowframe that got pulled out of whack during the demolition phase. This is a big deal because, first of all, now our house looks frankly quite nice from the outside, despite the fake-wood-ness of the new siding being very obvious. I still feel kind of conflicted about replacing ALL of the old cedar shakes because only the back of the house was really in bad shape, and some of the rest was frankly pristine, and you can’t go back to it once you’ve switched to what we’re using now. But it’s more advanced in terms of water shedding and it insulates the house better (allegedly! This old pile is drafty enough that it kind of doesn’t matter) and the paint will never flake off. And we’ll never have to worry about carpenter bees or that time birds made a nest under one of the loose shingles. But it does cost all the money, so I’d better come around to liking it unreservedly or it’s going to eat me up inside.

And now back to the usual, by which I mean things that did not go so great. I sent in a recent story to this one magazine on its deadline date and got rejected two days later, which seems awfully fast; I’m not super busted up about it since I hadn’t even known this magazine existed until earlier that same week (to my point about who is reading the lit mags, other than people trying to submit to them [it’s agents. agents are reading them]). The ultra-speedy rejection might mean it was just an easy nope, or that I didn’t grab them at the very beginning - a concern I already had, after changing my opening, but I really do think I was right to change it… just maybe I should have changed it to something else. Or it could have just meant that they were full up and I effectively missed the boat! It doesn’t really matter. The next place will have a different set of criteria and different preferences, and what one mag doesn’t like might be totally different from what a different mag doesn’t like.

Have I submitted it to the magazine I wrote it for (or, at least, the magazine I wrote it thinking about)? Ha! Haha! Lol and lmao! I have not.

What am I reading right now

I’m reading the novelization of Snakes on a Plane. It’s… the novelization of Snakes on a Plane. Like, it’s not good - not even as a book on its own merits. There’s already some stuff that straight up offended me, and I’m not usually out here looking for things to take offense at; it would stand out to anyone. Furthermore, Matt assures me (of course this was his book) that the one immortal line of the movie is not in here, since it was added after the film was complete (and very obviously too, if you’ve seen the movie) and this was clearly written prior to that addition.

I’m kind of reading it for the bit; that’s why Matt got it in the first place, and I’m not better than him. The more I read, the more likely I am to just chuck it and not finish. But I’d be happy to talk instead about the book I just finished - after all, these rules are ones I’ve set for myself, and there’s no consequence to breaking them.

So: please do everything you can to get your mitts on a copy of Bitten by Witch Fever, by Lucinda Hawksley. It’s both a showcase of, and a deep-dive into, arsenic-infused wallpapers in Victorian England. Between each chapter is a robust section where several of these wallpapers are reproduced, all of which were found to contain arsenic, and they’re gorgeous. And in the chapters themselves, you’ll learn about arsenic itself, its production and the effect on the workers involved, why people thought it was Fine Actually for awhile, the shift to understanding it as a poison and its heyday as “Inheritance powder,” the wallpaper manufacturing industry, interior design as an art form, the shifting of opinions around whether it was good to have on your walls (and in your clothes!!)… it’s fantastic. It’s lush, it’s richly researched, it’s deeply interesting, and it’s kind of hard to get ahold of: it kept going in and out of availability on Amazon, as measured by whether the price was something in the $30 range or in the $3000 range. I’m not joking. I obviously bought it at the lower price, but have a look for yourself, it might be way up there.

Some links

AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES (also, Chevy Chase remains a piece of shit) Cary Grant and Randolph Scott’s Hollywood Story: “Our Souls Did Touch”

Relatedly! And also, a little dishy! Do Celebrities Have Private Lives Anymore?

This is a beautiful reflection and exploration of the change between simply “old” to “very old,” by an author approaching his 90th birthday. None of us are getting any younger, and while I’d be happy to entertain arguments over whether I’d be lucky or unlucky to live to 90, it’s worth thinking about just in case our genes do tend that way. In the Land of the Very Old

Speaking of genes. This is interesting in a scientific way, but there’s also this one metaphor about police and suspects that’s applied to finding the cells that will become cancerous before they get out of hand, and if this was just a slightly different article, it would have taken that metaphor to its logical conclusion. Fighting Cancer with Quantum Computing

Prison labor being, effectively and explicitly, legal slavery is not news, but it may be news to you as to who all benefits from it. By which I don’t mean just which brands and companies use prison labor at some point along their supply chain, but also who else is enriching themselves off this system. It also seems like this undercuts farmers - if someone’s paying a prisoner 2 cents an hour to do farm work, how can a farm that pays its workers properly compete? So basically this is bad in every direction, and the people who defend it aren’t even embarrassed. Prisoners in the US Are Part of a Hidden Workforce Linked to Hundreds of Popular Food Brands

This is hopeful! It’s not across-the-board perfect - some of these crisis response teams arrive on the scene along with cops, which… I mean… but in general this is a good roundup of ways in which programs like these have been put into place to get people assistance without resorting to sending in the police. A handy read, especially if you expect to have to have this argument with your uncle. Non-Police Crisis Response Programs Have Been Working. Here’s How.

This sounds good off the top! My abolitionist heart is always going to beat for closing the jails - especially, as in the case of some of these, in response to bail reform - but it’s not all as it appears. And the people who have money tied up in prisons don’t want to lose that investment, so they’re already looking to find a way to keep them full. Jails Are Closing Across America. Why?

Cryptic words on a scrap of paper tucked away inside a dress pocket! It took years to figure it out! An Antique Dress Held a Secret: A Coded Message From 1888

I mean, isn’t that always how it is? But also, this is what happens when you let tech bros loose on things like “building cities.” A thing that we actually need - liveable, dense spaces - created by destroying something else we actually need (farms). None of these guys have any foresight, ever, and they think they can solve everything with money. The Farmers Had What the Billionaires Wanted

I’ll say! Okay, but hacky jokes aside, this is fascinating. So many creatures “think” in one way or another, and relatively few of them have brains. The part about slime molds being one big cell with multiple nuclei is both truly scary to consider AND the coolest thing I’ve ever heard of, and there is one paragraph about an experiment involving slime molds and strategically located piles of food that has the funniest (and most mind-blowing) payoff I’ve read all month. Brains Are Not Required When It Comes to Thinking and Solving Problems - Simple Cells Can Do It

This will upset you. Due to a combination of procedural negligence, racism, and general railroading, a man was wrongly convicted of a terrible crime 30 years ago. One of the jurors on his trial was eaten up by how she was pushed to find him guilty, even though she had doubts, and decades later, she was able to finally do something about it. The Juror Who Found Herself Guilty

This will upset you too! It’s the story of a doctor who defrauded insurance companies, which sounds not so bad - in a “don’t they deserve it” way - except that he did this by giving his patients unnecessary surgeries, diagnosing them with things they did not have, and doing the opposite of what they had asked him to do. Nightmare. Damages

Another month, another whale article. This one won’t make you cry like the last one, I don’t think (although it does reference that article!). Apparently there’s a whale who might have been working for the Russian military and got loose, and now everyone in Norway is in love with him. But there are, as usual, people trying to claim ownership over him, in one way or another; there’s also a big question of where a formerly-human-trained whale can live, safely. The Whale Who Went AWOL

This is really incredible in terms of the technical work he did, and the result appears to have been as good as he hoped it was - but this story is a sad one, and a cautionary tale against going all the way into an obsession. He Spent His Life Building a $1 Million Stereo. The Real Cost Was Unfathomable

This is an alternate-life version of my own internet experience, where they joined more services and posted more and even got jobs because of it, but in a larger sense, this was very similar to my life. Instant messaging hit while I was in high school - ICQ was the tool of choice - and then I went off into messageboard life and AIM and eventually other social tools. It was a sort of hybrid of growing up online and not-online; not to be a Millenial Exceptionalist but it’s not something earlier or later generations really had. Coming of Age at the Dawn of the Social Internet

I’m less interested in this as a guide to how to source and purchase things as I am as a guide to the pieces themselves; that said, we “inherited” Matt’s grandmother’s set of 70s(?) Pyrex mixing bowls, one color per size, and it seemed like there was a gap in coverage, so to speak - the smallest bowl (pink, formerly red, now broken) seemed more than one step smaller than the next larger bowl (green, regular medium mixing bowl size). I’m certain there’s a blue one that was meant to go in between that probably broke decades ago. The internet shows the blue as the smallest, then red, then the same green and yellow ones I have, but that wouldn’t make sense with the sizes I have/had. I FIND THIS INTERESTING OKAY How to Score an Enviable Vintage Dinnerware Collection

This is a book review and now I’d like to read this book. The crucial word in this title is “became”: times changed during the era she was active, and at first she was simply providing a normal service that many other people provided. The main difference is that she was loud and open about it, and that she got rich doing it. And then the laws were changed to make what she was doing illegal, and it started to feel very much like today. The Abortion Provider Who Became the Most Hated Woman in New York

I had no idea Pyongyang was so … candy-colored. Also, if you like massive statuary and geometrically-aligned boulevards, is this ever for you. Inside Pyongyang, North Korea’s Capital of Control

This isn’t as spooky as it sounds. Humans get buried in pet cemeteries from time to time - that’s not the weird part - but they’re usually being buried next to a beloved pet who predeceased them. It’s the “alone” in this question that’s the mystery. Who Was the Mysterious Woman Buried Alone at the Pet Cemetery?

I kind of thought this sort of forensic science was widespread, but apparently it’s still very innovative stuff. What doesn’t surprise me in its “omg! can u believe!”-ness is that the scientist in question is a woman, and this field is still very male-dominated. Anyway! Cool bug science!! The Scientist Using Bugs to Help Solve Murders

Some of these places look exactly the same. And one’s a parking lot. Then and Now: Revisiting The Sopranos’ New Jersey 25 Years Later

Did you know the modern chicken is a monoculture? There’s a lot wrong with commercial chicken farming, and this is an important part of it! This article is wide-ranging, from chicken genetics to factory farm conditions to virus transmission to how to convince people to give up meat. The Unending Quest to Build a Better Chicken

These are a midcentury fever dream. Someone please tell me you’ve stayed in one. The Adult Amusement Park of Yesterday, The Holiday Inn Holidome

Capitalism is bad for everything, but it’s especially bad for the airline industry. Hope Boeing enjoys all the internet jokes about the doors of their planes falling off mid-flight! Sounds like those management consultants were worth it! Crash Course

The story of a bespoke knife being forged is always going to be interesting, but this one is written so beautifully, so poetically, that you might want to read it even if you don’t care about people doing art, brawnily, with hot metal. Although I can’t imagine not caring about that. A Knife Forged in Fire

This is the piece that Truman Capote released, an excerpt from the novel he never released during his lifetime, that blew up his entire social circle. It is an incredibly bitchy scene of various New York socialites having conversations about each other in a restaurant, and it’s all airing the secrets and gossip of real people he had, until publication, been friends with. It also forms the basis for the upcoming show Feud: Capote vs. the Swans, which I won’t be watching but will be reading recaps of. “La Côte Basque, 1965”

What, and I can’t stress this enough, the fuck is this. Have You Heard About the Hot-Girl Toilet Seat?

Some tunes I’ve been listening to lately

Okay, we’re all well aware of this song and know that it’s great on its own merits BUT I have recently discovered, by virtue of having a tape (yes) with this on it that a friend made for me about 20 years ago playing while I made dinner: this is perfect cooking music. Give it a listen and imagine you’re chopping something, and then you’re doing a little spin as you take your chopped thing over and put it in the pan on the stove… right? Right?? I’m right.

Here’s a little double feature of sorts. Within the same 24-hour period, I wound up listening to both of these songs, which are both either one line or one verse, repeated over and over, and that sounds kind of awful, but in reality both are kind of compelling in different ways. Also, that Daisy Putter sounds like she’s got it coming.

This was a friend’s band a few years ago (so… a decade+?) and even when I first heard them, I thought, oh, this is music-blog-bait. They had two drummers. They released an album on a t-shirt once. I remember one show, possibly their final show, in a spacious former church, I think, in Arlington, and a big weird-shaped room was actually the exact right place to see them play. This is their big hit, in the sense that a band that didn’t court widespread popularity could be said to have a “hit.”

This month’s top 5: small-scale personal hopes for this year

I’m not talking about hopes for the world at large - those are obvious, you know how I feel about everything - I’m just talking about on a stay-small level, what do I hope happens or changes or stops in my own life.

1. That I stick to this write-more-submit-more thing - yes, that includes getting off my ass and writing a cover letter to submit this latest piece to the mag I had in mind originally - but since we’re staying small-scale here, I’m not going to hope so high as to be accepted by any of them.

2. That I get, again, off my ass, and finish these driving lessons and get my damn licence.

3. Get caught up on all the things I’m supposed to be reading - I’m behind on this crappy book according to a rubric of my own making, and two weeks behind on this site I read. I kind of budget how much time I spend on this stuff, so that I can get my job done and so on, but in so doing I’ve gotten almost intractably backed up.

4. Go a whole week without pissing anyone off (impossible!!)

5. The last one isn’t small but it’s personal and you all know what it is already, goddamnit. Even typing it out again is tiring.

Well, that’s that for this one - hopefully Beehiiv doesn’t get milkshake ducked, because it was literally the only newsletter platform that offered a free option without requiring that you take payment from your readers, and also because I just hope there are companies out there who give a shit about the content they allow, promote, pay for, and offer respectability to.

As the months go on, I’m going to be making some tweaks to the styling here and there, so if things start to look a little different, gradually, or if it’s a different font every month or something, no need to adjust your set. Playing around with that kind of thing is fun for me but I do have to be careful not to go down a rabbithole with it - I have a tendency.

Oh, and I know last issue I said I’d go into some gender nomenclature stuff in an upcoming issue, and I do still mean to do that - no new revelations about me, don’t worry, this is more of an academic musing - but I felt like the first issue out the door in the new location had to be a bit meta and self-referential, and I didn’t want to cram too many super-different topics into one. Next time, probably!